Toe Tapping Larry

You would think that this idiot would either just come out of the closet and stop denying his gayness or he would just shut the fuck up and the whole damn mess would eventually go away.

But NOOOOOOOO. This guy obviously loves the spotlight as evidenced by his latest date with Matt Lauer.

Senator Larry Craig (R - State of Denial) wants you to know that he’s not gay and never has been gay, not even for a couple of minutes after having polished off a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and smoked a few doobies in Jamaica.

So he bared it all, so to speak, in an interview with Matt Lauer.

During the interview, Craig could hardly keep his right foot in place, but each time it tapped its way just a tad too close to Lauer’s foot, Craig’s wife firmly shoved her elbow into Craig’s side and made a very, very stern face that made her look like she had just chomped down on an extra large piece of spoiled lutefisk. The strain of having the burning hunk of Lauer love so near and yet so far took its toll on the Senator, who seems to have, as a result, gotten all confused about crucial details of what exactly went down during his fateful encounter with Officer Karsnia in the Minneapolis airport men’s room

This is what he told Lauer:

"Something attracted my attention, and I looked down. And as I looked down, I saw a piece of toilet paper on the floor. And it happened to be under my heel … and I don’t know if you’ve seen it before, but I’ve seen it, somebody walk out of a booth with a piece of toilet paper stuck to their foot. I’d reached down to take it off my shoe, or out from under my shoe. And my hand did go below the divider at that moment in time."

You know, just last week I saw a guy leave a stall with a piece of toilet paper stuck to his wingtips and everyone in the men’s room started snickering and pointing and saying mean and tawdry things, so I certainly agree that this would be a reason to pick up a sticky germ-laden piece of used shitty toilet paper from the floor of a public bathroom in a busy airport. Now notice where he said that piece of paper was — under his heel.

But what did he tell Officer Karsnia right after the event in question?

Dave Karsnia: OK. And then with the hand. How many times did you put your hand under the stall?
Larry Craig: I don’t recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of toilet paper back behind me and picking it up.

Hmmm. The piece of paper was apparently behind him and under his heel and in the next stall all at once — all while Craig is sitting on the crapper squeezing one off.

I think Craig has a calling as a contortionist for Cirque de Soleil once he completes his senatorial gig. Of course, we could speculate as to how the Senator might have developed the redoubtable talent of twisting himself up like a pretzel in a public toilet stall.