A Dear John Letter

Dear Grampa McShitstain,

Let me be completely honest right from the start: I am a not a Republican (which you probably knew the minute I mentioned being honest).
I am a Democrat, and therefore do not want you to win this election.

No offense, but we’ve already endured almost eight years of an incompetent liar in the Oval Office, and we both know the country cannot survive another.

I realize I am asking a lot of you, but anything you can do to ensure that you never see the inside of the White House (other than as President Obama’s guest) would be a true act of patriotism on your part.

To that end, I was just wondering if you could follow one or two of my suggestions below:

• Make the linchpin of your campaign the idea that staying in Iraq for a hundred years or more is a great idea. This will go over extremely well with the majority of the voters, who want out of Iraq – NOW.
  
• Distinguish yourself from your well-liked, young and energetic opponent by acting surly as often as possible. Adopting a hey, you kids, get off my lawn image should do it.
  
• While your opponent is being warmly greeted by international heads of state, visit a fudge ‘n sausage-type eatery. Be sure to be photographed pathetically doing same, accompanied by a doofy-looking fellow GOPer (Lindsay Graham immediately comes to mind, but you’ll have to check on his availability).
  
• Talk about a country that no longer exists as though it still does. Once will be taken as a simple gaffe; mentioning it three or four times will prove that you don’t know what you’re taking about.
  
• Play-up your opponent’s lack of knowledge about the situation in Iraq while, at the same time, you confuse Shia and Sunni, and the timing of events that have occurred during the occupation.
  
• The single most important issue in this election is the economy. Mentioning that you don’t understand “the economy” or how it “works” will drive millions of voters into the Obama camp.
  
• Make shit up – especially stuff that the entire world knows to be blatantly untrue (e.g. “We were greeted as liberators”.)
  
• Demonstrate that you are out-of-touch with the average voter by arranging a photo-op in a supermarket, where you wear a business suit while “shopping”, and have to refer to notes before “remembering” the current price of milk.
  
• Nothing is more effective than playing the pot-kettle-black game; e.g. highlight your opponent’s dismissiveness of the plight of active soldiers and veterans after you have consistently voted against bills that would assist them.
  
• Cement your I-got-nuthin’ image by criticizing your opponent’s accomplishments and plans for the future, instead of offering any of your own. If you must speak about yourself, constant references to having been a POW and how that alone qualifies you to run the country will suffice in making you look utterly ridiculous.
  
• Your opponent is known for being able to draw huge crowds. Whining about it at every opportunity will go a long way in shoring-up your image as an envious, petulant complainer – so Bush-like, it’s bound to scare even the most dedicated Republican into voting Democratic.
  
• Air TV ads that feature “facts” that have already been debunked; e.g. “Obama refused to meet with wounded soldiers.”

• Act and speak in ways that call your mental stability into question. Not being able to “recall” how you voted on issues over your senatorial career will bolster the idea that you are (a) intellectually incapable of leading a nation, and/or (b) senile. It’s a win-win situation, if you can convincingly pull it off.
  
• Choose surrogates and spokespeople who will insult voters on a regular basis (e.g. calling people who have lost their jobs, homes, savings and pensions “whiners”, or declaring the current state of the failing economy as only existing in people’s minds.)

• Attack programs that have worked well for decades, e.g. Social Security, and vow to rid the nation of such evil. This will go over especially well with seniors, who tend to vote more consistently than other age groups.
  
• Mention how you know how to win wars and bring Osama Bin Laden to justice. This will undoubtedly lead to voters wondering why you haven't shared such vital information with anyone before now - or if you're just talking out of your own ass.
  
• I don’t know how willing your family is to help out. But if your wife could make some comment that cements your image as a filthy rich couple (maybe something about the need to own a private jet?) it should cost you support among voters struggling to make ends meet. (If your daughter could run-up a monthly credit card debt equivalent to more than the yearly income of many US families, it would be icing on the cake – but I don’t want to get crazy here!)
  
• A few at-your-discretion serving suggestions: point out how your opponent is a flip-flopper while changing your own positions, complain about how the media is in the tank for Obama contemporaneous with their publicly kissing your ass, et cetera.

John, I realize I am asking a lot here. But your nation’s wellbeing is at stake.

I have already stated that I don’t want to see you elected, but I would warn you that following one or two suggestions outlined above – three at most – will be more than sufficient in ensuring Obama’s victory in November.

Anything more would be over-kill, so please use caution; doing all of the above will go much further than simply leading to your defeat – it will make you look like a clueless idiot.

Thanks in advance for putting your country’s welfare above winning an election.

It’s heartening to know that we have a true patriot in this race.

Yours Truly,

Fed Up American