You've been one for your entire adult life.
Now despite your apparent lack of mental agility, critical reasoning skills, capacity to apply nuanced concepts to everyday situations, self-awareness, tolerance for diversity, understanding of complex political and economic mechanisms and generalized open-mindedness, your god-damned idiocy really never seemed that much of a problem for you.
You've always worked hard, raised a family, put a roof over their heads, drank beers with your buddies, hunted in season, watched the game on Saturday, went to church on Sunday, paid your taxes, saved up for your retirement and lived a generally productive, albeit non-descript, life. None of that complex political and economic mumbo-jumbo, that those Sunday morning talking heads and C-Span jerks always seemed to jibber-jabber about, really seemed to matter in the great scheme of things.
That was, of course, until things "CHANGED".
Your dollar doesn't seem to buy what it used to, that house that you worked so hard to own has become a monkey on your back, your job is fixin' to be outsourced, your fruity nephew in fruity California is about to get married to his fruity boyfriend, there are funny looking brown people who speak in funny sounding languages queuing up outside the Home Depot for work all the time and there's a Black Guy, who may or may not be some radical, hippie, Muslim, Commie from Africa taking up residence in the White House.
That's right, your world has turned Upside Down.
What do you do?
Well, because you're a god-damned idiot, you really never paid attention to civics, social studies and history in school. Those talking heads and jerks are always acting like that they're better than you are, because they use a lot of ten dollar words to talk over your pointy head. None of your beer drinking cohorts, hunting buddies, fellow church-goers or neighbors seem to know what the hell is going on and besides, every one of them are just as confused, angry and desperate as you are. Your politicians are utterly remote and uncaring. And you know full well that you don't have enough power or money to matter.
You're pissed off and you have no idea how or where to direct your piss offedness.
That is until, The TEBBAGGERS came to town.
These are people who are just like you, they've hit all the marks that you've hit all your life. They're all stupid, angry and confused (You really identify with that), yet, they've come to town with an important message from on high in the Stratosphere from the likes of people like Fox News, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.
That message is that you have every right be pissed off. No one is looking out for you, especially that radical, hippie, Muslim, Commie Black Guy in the White House. He's too busy trying to take your guns away, invalidate your marriage license, raise your taxes through the roof, kill off your mom, give your job away to those funny sounding brown people, turn your church into a Muslim terrorist cubby hole and turn America into a Commie experiment full of white people in concentration camps (at least, that's what Fox, Beck, Hannity and Limbaugh said). You have NO reason NOT to trust them. Yes, these people who look just like you and are sounding just like you, have your best interest at heart... Because, you believe them when they tell you that they're all JUST LIKE YOU (Don't mind that fact that they're all millionaires and have never worked a hard day's labor ever once in all of their collectively pathetic lives).
They tell you that, to keep America free, we need to ensure that Social Security and Medicare are kept out of the hands of of a government that's currently being run by that radical, hippie, Muslim, Commie Black Guy from Africa, no matter what. That we must drill our way out of the dwindling of finite resources and that we need to keep the tax breaks for the relative few who can buy multi-million dollar yachts, jetliners and 100 room mansions with their pocket change. They tell you that ONLY your collective screaming and hissyfitting will save the day. That you DO matter, just as long as you're loud and parrot their talking points ad nauseum. They tell you that this is how the Forefathers made this country free and wrote the Constitution. They tell you you that your conservative beliefs are the solution to the problem (that they, in fact, created).
And yes, you believe ALL of this, because you're a god-damned idiot.
Now, I know that this goes against everything that you know, because you really don't know anything about what you're screaming about, but have noticed that everything that Fox, Beck, Hannity and Limbaugh said is wrong (That when it came down to brass tacks, your idiocy did not stop the people who aren't idiots from going forward and pulling your sorry, stupid asses along for the ride (at least part way)?
Well, of course not.
Let's not forget that you are, in fact, a god-damned idiot. And it's on the strength of that idiocy that your core beliefs never have to waver in the face of counter cyclical facts and absolute truth. Your idiotic "reality" insulates you from all of that. It keeps you warm at night and keeps the fires of anger, fear and confusion well stoked in your empty head like burning hot embers.
I'm sorry to say this, my idiotic friend, but there is no help for you. Because, in spite of all your vigorous teabagging, very little has changed. You've been so very angry all for naught. Yes, all you've done is dig a bigger hole for yourself. If you don't believe me, just take a look at your credit card bills since you've started on this teabagging adventure. Missing work and taking trips to a very expensive Nation's Capitol adds up, doesn't it? And I bet that your son has been talking to his fruity cousin in fruity California while you've been on the road. Apparently, teabagging is causing more problems than it solves. Perhaps, you should try something new?
Now, I have an honest suggestion and perhaps one that may make some sense for you to heed... Just follow Sarah Palin's sterling example: Quit.
Quit teabagging, because it hasn't stopped a damn thing. Quit listening to Fox, Beck, Hannity and Limbaugh, because they all have not told you one true thing. They make all of it up as they go along So turn it all off, you're better off using a Magic Eight Ball for answers. Quit buying so much ammo. You're making it scarce and running up the price so that it'll be harder to buy for hunting season. Quit standing out in the hot sun on the Washington Mall holding hand painted signs that are barely legible, because you scrawled them in a fit of anger. I bet that you never even wore enough sun screen, now did you? C'mon, the last thing that you need is skin cancer, you've got a house to maintain for you and your family. Quit, being so angry all the time. It runs up your blood pressure and makes you grit your teeth. The last thing that you need is a heart attack. Don't even bother voting, because Sarah won't be on any ballot this November, and none of the other candidates can hold a candle to her awesomeness. Especially, those Republican guys. Quit worrying about that radical, hippie, Muslim, Commie Black Guy in the White House. He's not going to be there forever. Heck, if you turn off your radio and TV, you can barely even notice that he's there at all. That's because, after he's gone, you'll still have your guns and mom will have never been a hundred miles from any direction close to a "Death Panel" and the Government will have not put its grubby hands on Social Security, Medicare or the Internet. They have other, bigger, oily fish to fry.
Quit worrying so much. You don't see Sarah worrying, now do you?
Do you know why? Well, it's because she quit, of course. And guess what, if she can do it, so can you.
Go back home. Post your thoughts on Facebook. Drink a beer. Get a life.
Quit being such a god-damned idiot.
Take it from a friend who cares; you'll feel much better about everything if you do.
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